You’re a nice person but do you make his heart beat 100 beats per minute?
You’re a nice person but do you make his cheeks flush when you pay him a compliment?
You’re a nice person but is that…it?
Yes, this is another self deprecating post so read at your own risk.
I got an email about a year ago from a boy who, somewhere amidst his apology, he wrote: “You’re a nice person”. That was it; nothing to conclude that sentence; no dot dot dot. Yet, I could almost hear the but that should’ve come next. It was heavily implied. You’re a nice person but I don’t want to be with you. You’re a nice person but you’re not enough. You’re a nice person, but you’re not her. It makes me scoff because I’m not even a nice person to begin with so it doesn’t make any sense. I get mad at my mom for not being able to control her emotions when I know that she has mental illnesses; I almost always flake out on plans for my own selfish reasons—I almost never look in the mirror without feeling disgusted at what I see; I never give out my spare change when homeless people ask for money. There. Three reasons why I suck. However, in his defence, he probably didn’t actually mean it and he probably just said it to be polite.
With these aside, even if I were a good person, maybe I don’t want to be. Every now and then before bed I think about these words and it makes me hysterical. It makes me want to rip out my eyeballs because of the burning tears that rush down my face and wipe off my makeup, leaving me exposed by taking off the camouflage that once covered my rosacea and acne-scarred face. It exposes my skin and makes me vulnerable and at the same time, it makes me want to be vulnerable. It makes me want to run to the top of the CN tower and scream at the top of my lungs and stomp my feet because I want to have a tantrum. I want to feel fixed. I hate it. I hate it. I hate that besides the tears, I can tell that I’m ugly crying which is the worst type of cry because it’’s stupid that an ugly noise can come out from your throat even after you’re already being tortured with the ongoing waterfall of tears. I already feel pathetic, I don’t need to sound it too.
“You’re a nice person” really fucks me up because it feels like that’s it—like, its the only compliment that I can be paid. As though, there’s nothing else to say because nothing else can be said. You’re a nice person, but that’s all you are, and that’s all you ever will be is what keeps running through my mind. There’s no other sustenance to you. It feels like this keeps being reinforced because I’m constantly being ghosted and tossed aside and made to feel like nothing. I really need to know that I’m more than just a nice person, if I even am that. I need to know that I’m smart. I need to know that I impact someone’s life in someway. I need to know that if I ever leave someone that I’ll cause more than a small dent. I need to know my presence, time, and energy is worth it. I need to know that I’m wanted and good enough for someone.
Note: I don’t need anyone telling me that I am good enough because I don’t want to hear it. It’s not going to change how I feel. I need to feel it for myself.
By the time I finished typing this all out, I started to feel better so I think I’m going to have a glass of pink moscato (because that’s all I have left) and then I’m going to go to bed and dream about all the lives I’m going to ruin tomorrow. xoxo