Things started to get weird this week.
- I started to listen to Brandon’s movie suggestions. I watched a movie with multiple universes which almost never happens since that scares me.
- I haven’t done my dishes in so long that my apartment actually smells. Gross.
- Two days ago I randomly reminisced about a girl in my fourth grade talent show and yesterday I found out she died.
I’ve been feeling really off today, these last couple of days really and it’s weird because it feels like so much more than sorrow. It almost feels like something higher was trying to prepare me for this news. Two days ago, I was listening to a Celine Dion cover on youtube and somehow it brought me back to the fourth grade talent show. I started laughing to myself about how serious her and her sister were about it; they brought in a karaoke machine and sang a duet of my heart will go on. I remember the kids at school, including myself, found it funny how dramatic it was. Like Jack and Rose. And then yesterday I found out she died.
She was around seventeen–so not far off from my little brother’s age. Some people are speculating that it was suicide and that really hits home because my best friend attempted suicide at eighteen. It could’ve been her. I could’ve lost my best friend but I didn’t. Instead, someone else lost their best friend. Someone else lost their sister. And someone else lost their child. That doesn’t happen here. It’s not supposed to happen. Seventeen year olds aren’t supposed to be dying right in front of us. In an alternate universe, she’d still be alive. She would be looking through different universities trying to find her top three. She would be scrolling through Instagram trying to find the perfect prom dress for next year. She would be here.
Does everything really happen for a reason? Is there a reason why any of us are here and she’s not? Why her? Why now? Why not me? I don’t think that any of us are any more special or have any more potential than she would’ve had. I don’t think that anyone is that much more kind or that much more talented than she was. I don’t think that anyone had that much more to offer the world than she did. But it happened to her. Tragedy chose her. Why.
It’s ironic because I didn’t even know her well at all. She was just a friend’s younger sister that I hadn’t been in contact with in over ten years. How can the death of someone I don’t even know affect me so much? I’ve realized that no one you meet is “just” anything. Everyone is so much more than that. What is being human if not to be able to connect with others on an emotional, physical, spiritual level? Every being that you meet, whether you are acquainted or whether you’ve been close for years is so special. She was a human being with thoughts, feelings, and actions that can’t be replaced. Now, that’s all gone. Something so precious suddenly just disappeared and that really is a tragedy.
* On another note, I realize I haven’t posted in a long while and maybe I should post a little more just to get out my thoughts. I find posting on here really helps me push through whatever I’m going through. It’s been a rough couple a years and I haven’t posted nearly as much as I know would be good for me. Any hoo, I hope that everyone is doing well 🙂